Posted: December 22, 2013
Axes and chainsaws baby, the ORIGINAL hack-n-slash.
CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD!
Your first mission has you run off to the "haunted forest" to remove three trees so that the undercrop can grow! But why is it a haunted forest? What horrible fate befell those who named it? WHO THE F*** knows!
It just is. You're not here to solve some sort of godd**n MYSTERY - you're here to chop down some trees, and that's what your going to do!
Plot? Reason? Purpose? You're HACKING DOWN TREES! Why do you *need* a reason?
Fine, fine, some Douglas Firs killed your parents and now you're the MOTHERF**KING BATMAN OF THE WOODS. You're not the lumberjack they deserve, you're the flannel wearing badass that they NEED.
Are the cops going to chop down trees? Feh, I don't think so. The firemen? Sure, they might have axes, but they're not going to deforest an entire nature preserve on a whim because they're too busy fighting friggin' fires. So it's up to YOU and your in-game vehicle...
Sure, you don't actually RIDE it, and yeah - any car that you actually do come across, although parked, glitches like a mother and launches you about 1,000 feet in the air - but does it hurt you? NO. Why?
BECAUSE YOU ARE THE GOD**N BATMAN, THAT'S WHY.
Now shut up, buy this game and play, the fate of the world just might depend on it...
...it *probably* doesn't, because it is a f***ing game about cutting down trees...but ya know...
IT MIGHT. It just might.