Posted: December 19, 2014
Ladies and gentlemen over the jury. After playing Escape Goat, I am not here to review a simple 2D puzzle platforming game. I am here to prove that this goat is a witch. Goats have long been known for their platforming prowess. They have always been able to scale tall mountains with ease. Like all goats, this one can dash forward to ram through breakable walls or extend a jump. Those are qualities that a normal goat possesses. This goat can double jump. There is no other goat that can jump in mid air.
The meager purple goat that you see before you has broken out of our deepest, darkest prison within only three hours. All with the aide of a cohort mouse that believe it or not, this goat talks to! Not only that, but the goat can command this mouse. The goat can send the mouse running in a straight line, scaling up walls, traversing ceilings and hitting switches. It can even get placed under a sleep spell where it rests wherever this foul witch goat places it! Making it useful to rest on 'weighted switches' that need a body to hold them down. This heathenish goat can even toss its unwilling partner in escape upward where it can then cling on the ceiling and walk forward. The mouse can be instantly summoned back by the simple will of the goat.
I would like to show the court evidence A. The magical hat I have just revealed allows the witch goat to change places with the mouse. Calling this hat magical is a farce! It isn't the hat that is magic, its the goat that makes the hat magic! The goat was able to have the mouse crawl through small areas and then teleport directly to them.
There were still things that the goat couldn't possibly use his mouse ally for. Wall mounted switches that only the goat could touch. These switches lead to a variety of things. Both bad that enabled platforms to help the goat escape and good that started machine like traps. Walls that moved, floors that shifted. All the goat had to do was exit out of each room's open door. If the door wasn't open, the goat managed to find keys that it used to unlock the door. Sometimes six keys in one room and this goat managed to collect them all!
Because of these talents, this magical goat may have escaped all 55+ rooms in this prison, but it cannot escape the arm of the law! This goat managed to escape its own cell block of five puzzling rooms. Then it made its way to the gathering place where it opened up new cell blocks. For every cell block the goat went through, it opened up two more cell blocks. It was able to go through each of the nine cell blocks consisting of five rooms each. All to rescue its sheep sisters from prison. After all that, the witch goat managed to escape nine final rooms of doom!
Each cell block is themed and had even more danger, but the goat make it look easy and fun! One cell block of five rooms featured ice blocks. Blocks too cold for its mouse friend. Blocks that the goat managed to ram and push. Another cell block had hollow blocks that the goat could travel through, but other blocks stacked on top of. Razorblades spinning around platforms couldn't stop the goat! Nor could death reapers that throw fireballs when they spot the goat. Nor could fire breathing wall mounted sentries!
Moving platforms, mechanized blocks, changing structures, rolling barrels that explode when lit on fire and walls that blew up when lit on fire. Nothing could stop this goat! How on this great Earth could one goat survive death like that? Well truth is, the goat never survived death. This goat is as fragile as your ordinary goat. Anything can kill it. Its magic that brought this goat back to life again and again! If the goat ever got trapped in a room. It could suicide, completely resetting the room. The rare times that the goat would fall into pits or be able to leave the room without exiting through the door, the goat respawned!
After all this, the goat thinks it can make a better prison. It can somehow make blue prints and escape from a prison of its own invention! Well witch goat, you may have escaped from the easy prison, but after you made your 3 hour escape look easy, there is another prison waiting for you more brutal than the first! The additional prison has 28 more rooms in 4 cell blocks. All without having to spend more taxpayer money.
I feel that I have proven my point your honor. We cannot have this goat walking among us in civilized society. May the good people of Steam find this goat guilty of being a witch and sentence it to prison!