Posted: April 12
I'm just waiting for the nice men in white suits to escort me to rehab. In the mean time, I thought I would share my experience with future addicts.
DO NOT BUY THIS GAME! It will destroy your life.
I have lost sleep, skipped meals and needed to invest in a pee bag because of this atrocity. At no point during the research process was I warned that buying this game would result in a heroin-level addiction.
If all the above hyperbole isn't a clear enough indication, this game is amazing, and Edmund McMillen is an evil genuis.
You play as Isaac, a creative, imaginitive little boy who plays by himself and draws pictures while his mother watches Christian programming. One day The Lord(TM) speaks to her and asks her to kill Isaac to prove her faith. In his attempts to escape, Isaac finds his way into a cellar conveniently located underneath his bedroom. Now, his only way to escape is to venture down into the depths and battle his way through the hoardes of abominations that wait for him.
As you join Isaac on his journey, you will find a multitude of upgrades and items that can help or hinder him on his quest to escape his lunatic mother and battle the wide variety of monsters that stand between him and that ultimate goal. This includes but is not limited to eating pills you find on the ground, consuming dog food (YUM!) and sticking toothpicks through your eyelids.
In short, stock up on Slim-jims and Redbull, strap on a pee bag and prepare for one wild trip.
-The controls couldn't get much simpler. Every time I play it brings me back to the days when I would blow my entire allowance on double-joystick arcade machines.
-Wide range of upgrades, items, enemies and bosses.
-Almost endless replayability.
-The game is challenging, but not unfair. Victories are infinitely satisfying, failures only harden your resolve to do better on the next playthrough.
-Battle enemies, put out fires and clean sh!t up with the power of tears!
-The game is packed full of references, dark humor and WTFness that will make you LOL.
-Despite the simple level and character designs, there are frequent drops in frame-rate when there are more than four enemies on screen. However, I wonder if this was a design choice rather than a bug, as this has resulted in Matrix-level projectile dodging in multiple playthroughs.
-The noises some of the enemies make can be grating, but they tend to be dispatched so quickly that this isn't much of an issue.
-The humor and themes presented in this game are not for everyone. If you're one of those Little House on the Prairie types, you expereience heart palpitations when people tell off-color jokes, or you take the Christian faith very seriously, choose a different title. This one is almost guaranteed to offend your delicate sensibilities.